Vacant Chapter 11 Time

I drive and cant help that my emotions are all over the place. Im angry because Ive been living in transport from the wizard The one person who gives a shit whether I live or die I left her alone to fend for herself.I do my rage out on the steering wheel before pulling over I need a minute to collect myself.Two minutes. flipperIt takes me half an hour before Im calm enough to continue driving, but I rush because I loss to get back to her. I want to touch her, be with her. I realize how fundamentally wrong Ive been about my feelings for her. While I thought I was doing what was best for Emily, I never considered that I was really still protecting myself. I hadnt taken her feelings into account. I hadnt thought about what I was doing to her by leavingand in the same accord, making her firmness of purpose of love, trivial.The anger fades and misery takes its place.Im sad because I miss her. I need her more than air.I need air, and I need Emily.Air is so overmuch easier.Before lon g, fear sets in. What if she isnt there when I get back? Why would she be? I left her by herself for six days after I swore Id take care of her.I think about what I did as I continue down the lonely stretch of highway.I worked so expectant to separate myself from the drama and emotions of everyday life realizing I havent been living at all. I think of all the time Ive wasted all the time I could have been with her been with herHer legs are bare and slender. I imagine whats just beyond the small rectangle of terry cloth. Her hair tickles the tops of her breasts, teasing me with whats just beyond the stat mi of the towel. One small flick and shed be naked before me, her body as fantastic as Ive always imagined.My foot pushes a little harder on the accelerator as my frustration builds.Im tired and feeling the effects of driving ten hours straight. As I consider pulling over, the guilt seeps in again. Ive already been away from her for too long. I cant stand to be apart from Emily a ny longer, but the seconds continue to tick by and I cant seem to get there fast enough. I push on, despite being a danger to others on the road due to my exhaustion. I see a gas billet ahead, and force myself off the road and into the brightly lit convenience store. After hours of lonesome interstate travel, the intense glow of the fluorescent lights hurts my eyes, and only serves to remind me of the ho-hum nature of my existence without Emily. I make quick work of refueling the car and myself and then rejoin the blacktop.Finally, finally, I see the mile marker indicating my trip is almost over, an hour to go before Im back with Emily. Anxiety weighs heavily on me because I think I could have gotten here faster what if she just left? What if shes been waiting for the last week and that was her limit?I shouldnt have left in the first place. I should have told her how I felt so we could be living a happily ever after. Regret wont change things, though. It doesnt serve any purpose direct.I pass the city limits sign, and a grin spreads across my face. Im happy and hopeful. A hundred and one scenarios play out in my head as to how Emily will react when she sees me.She throws open the screen doorsill and rushes towards me. I catch her in my arms and spin her around. I tell her I love her and want to spend eternity with her. She smiles and says she wants the same thingWe notwithstanding make it to the bedroom before I fully make her mineI open the door and call her name but no one answers. All her things are gone, and shes nowhere to be foundAs I make my way up the walk, she stops me and tells me she doesnt ever want to see me again. That I broke her heart and Im a fuck-up she wants nothing to do withIm brought out of my thoughts as a car horn blares behind me. Dawn has broken and there is clear traffic moving about. Im not sure how long Ive been sitting at the stop sign on the corner before the car behind me de realityds attention.Its now or never, and neve r isnt an option.I stand at the door, my door her door ready to knock. It occurs to me how odd this is Im about to knock on my own door. Suddenly, Im embarrassed. I count down and my clothes are dirty and unkempt. I smell its been two days since Ive cleaned up at all. How can I look her in the eye, touch her lips, hug her body, when I look and smell like a homeless man?I am homeless, though. Without her, without her love and care and warm eyes, Im a man with a heart that has no home.So I knock.